I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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