so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
