He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
