I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
