last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
