I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
