I want to walk on stilts...naked
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
