That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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