he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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