Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
