Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Someone shattered a urinal.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
