im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I cannot find my penis.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
