god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
