I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
