Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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