Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
