I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
