you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
