I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
