I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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