Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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