dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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