Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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