Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
