Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
