Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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