Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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