At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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