cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
