Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
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