Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
