Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
