im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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