I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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