so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
