My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
