The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
