im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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