new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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