I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
