Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
