I faked an abortion last night.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
