Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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