I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
