I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
But theres a keg here and me gusta
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
