I heard we made out
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
