If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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