so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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