the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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