my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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