Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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