I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
