Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
